It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
