so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
time to smoke my breakfast
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
