First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize
