I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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