She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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