Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize