i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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