new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
