you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
