Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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