I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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