So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
