I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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