We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
