I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
