That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
