Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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