I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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