go do what you do best...puke behind churches
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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