Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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