She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
