If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
