I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
