I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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