Who did Billy Mays play for?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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