did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
