I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
