she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
