it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
