alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
