dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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