My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Randomize
