it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
