Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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