My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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