I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Lo siento on account of my penis...
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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