i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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