i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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