why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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