woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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