Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
