you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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