I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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