i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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