why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
