I wanna bring you to show and tell
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
