Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
