i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I just googled if crying burns calories
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
