Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
