I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
