I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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