Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
