thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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