I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
