Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
