I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
She's the barista slut.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
