There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
