you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
