Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
