genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize