It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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