you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Randomize
