I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
