she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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